Making It Right
You’ve done wrong. You’ve offended someone. He’s upset, and rightly so. She’s hurt, and you’re at fault. What is one to do? We all know the answer. We’re to confess our error and seek forgiveness. We’re to apologize and make it right (Jas 5:16; Mt 5:23,24).
However, it’s at this point that many of us stumble. We shortchange the process through inadequate confession. Ironically the secular press, in the form of the Wall Street Journal (10/19/10), recently has shown considerable insight into the problem of flawed apologies. Often our repentance is spoiled by a mixture of motives which undermine the sincerity and integrity of our words. Here are some examples:
- The strategic apology – offered to stop the conflict or stop the hurt though we don’t really think we’ve done anything wrong. “I’m sorry,” we say, “let’s move on.”
- The defensive apology – this is not so much an apology but a half-baked, self-protective maneuver. “I’m sorry,” we say insincerely, “but you angered me by what you did, and so I . . .”
- The contingent apology – given when one doesn’t know what wrong one has done and may not care to know. It’s given to meet the expectation of the offended and to appease him/her. “I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong.”
- The bully apology – not an apology at all but a preface to an unreasonable demand. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to . . .”
- The counter-attack apology – this apology moves rapidly from, “I’m sorry,” to “But you always . . .,” where we explain how slight our offense is; how we have far more reason to be offended than does the offended one; how, after all, he has done far more and far worse, and so, we imply, how untoward of him that he should raise the issue. This apology is a near cousin to the counter-attack correction. When confronted about our bad temper, or our unkind speech, we quickly take the occasion to point out the faults of the accuser, evening the score, and reducing the likelihood that he’ll attempt correction again. “I’m sorry, I may be wrong, but you always . . .”
These flawed apologies share one of two defects: they lack detail and depth. Confession should be specific and unqualified: Here is what I have done (give the details), and I realize that I have done wrongly (without excuses, rationalizations, or qualifications). Saying, “I’m sorry,” without specifying the particular offenses for which one is sorry, is cowardly, inadequate, and emotionally unsatisfying: cowardly, because it takes courage to accurately describe our offense; inadequate, because it leaves the offended party wondering exactly what we are sorry about: is it the offense?; the consequences of the offense?; the whole mess that has arisen out of the offense?; that the offended has taken offense?; emotionally unsatisfying because only a sincere, heart-felt apology can salve the wounds of the offended one. Only when I am grieved by the hurt that I have brought to another do my words of apology ring true and heal the hurt.
How do I rate my own apologies? Are they frequent or begrudged? Are they sincere or reluctant? Are they specific or vague? Are they comprehensive or generalized? Are they mea culpa or are they thinly-veiled exercises in blame-shifting, excuse-making, and counter-attacking? Many of us need to learn how to properly confess our faults and seek forgiveness. Now might be a good time to begin.